Where Keish is more than an Obscure Food!

My Contest Entry...

2007-11-15T00:25:00.000-05:00

I never enter contests. But I entered a Lenny Kravitz concert promoting his upcoming album and you get to ride with him in a VW bus.
I probably won't win but I wouldn't mind riding with him and eating vegetarian pork chops while talking about cool stuff. His list of cool stuff outweighing my list of cool stuff...and we grease each others scalp with tea tree oil. Lastly, we fall asleep with the lingering scent of vanilla and a certain garden "herb" in the air.

Anyway, you had to describe in 500 characters or less why you belong in the "Love Revolution", and this is what I said:

Title: I Live in Love

Treating others as you would want to be treated, even though they may sh*t on you. Waking up in Spain for your first siesta and realizing you can't get any food because everyone else is on siesta too! But it's cool, you share a bag of chips with your best friends until dinner time. Getting free tickets to the movies and spending your ticket money on cheap wine to drink in the movie with a friend. Loving me from afar, letting me do my thing, and coming to retrieve me. I Live in LOVE.

Wish me luck!
(especially since Myspace had an "unexpected error" when I clicked submit)

Here and Now...

2007-11-05T22:51:00.001-05:00

It's been almost a year since I blogged.
I don't know why I haven't written, maybe I was tired of clowning or just I was tired of windex-ing the window into my life so you could see in.

2007 was a pretty good year.

There was that trip to Spain, where an old homo thought I was a delicate young boy ready to be taught the ways of the world. Unfortunately for him, I'm a girl and perhaps he had cataracts and couldn't see that or I DO look like a sexy male model. That trip also introduced me to the finest foods and one Euro salami sandwiches that you can get from a random Asian person standing on a Madrid Street corner at 4am.

2007 also was the year, I got tired of the grind, the B.S 9-5, and moved on. I'm doing what I love but taking it to the next level. My business partner and left-hand man (cause the right hand is my dominate pimp hand for slapping) started having some parties and stop giving away our money to wackadoo ass promoters. Sidebar: if your DJ is only playing B-side records and your party has more sausage than a beef factory, it's not a party...it's a hair club for men meeting. Also, Dudes- don't you realize by traveling in packs you ruin the male to female ratio for you and everyone else. Don't talk to me and then your 3 homeboys roll up looking all doofy trying to talk to my friend. Surrounding her like a pack of drunken ferets. Don't bring that crap to a Tasty and Digo event ever!

Then there was a trip to Miami. Great time with the girls, but if one more person would have had allergies (to everything) we all would have been drinking Benedryl and coke. It's definitely hard to make everyone happy all the time, but we did our thing, went shopping, clubbing and got followed around by the above mentioned drunken ferrets...good times.

I definitely made some serious life changes along with quitting my regular job. I moved to nice one- bedroom apt. Which isn't to say my old place sucked (it did), but it was where I needed to be at the time. And I hate when people think they're complementing you by saying "Wow- It's about time, your old place sucked!". You know something genius, I had to live there once upon a time and it was just fine. Concentrate on yourself- and watch your mouth. If you can't tell me how great my present decor is, don't say anything at all.

Also, I think I'm on my way to achieving a mental clarity as to who your friends and family are and what they represent in my life. I'll have to leave it at that for now, cause things are always changing and evolving.

I never left, I was just watching.
Tasty

The suffering of indigenous people tastes like Turkey...

2006-11-26T22:28:00.000-05:00

I'll give you Tasty's recipe for a turkey-rific thanksgiving weekend:

Thursday (Thanksgiving Day):
Get all the stuff together that you're taking over your parents house in a box and when your landlord sees you leaving with said box...
Act nervous, like you didn't mean for him to see you moving out.

When you're done playing holiday mind games, go over your parents house and start pouring out wine with the one that's more fun getting drunk with. (Love you dad!)
Drinking also masks the shame you feel when you realize you brother can cook and nobody ate your store bought apple pie...

Thursday night:
Go to work because nothing says family like leaving their asses behind to make a few extra buxx.
Get the bubbly at work and stink up the bathroom cause u ate too much...

Friday Night:
Feel proud of your mastery in public mass transit by ending up New Jersey.
Feel proud of your ability to put away mass produced meat at a fine establishment such as
TGI Friday's.
Feel proud of your sex appeal....white butch lesbian's send you drinks and compliment your "grill".
LAUGH and POINT, because AGENT 80 is uncomfortable, I think they liked her more!

Saturday:
Go to a family theme party and watch your parents dirty dance in 1920 era clothing.
Proceed to get drunk and hope at age 25 you'll not be receiving another little brother in the next 9 months.

Sunday:
Don't shower. It wouldn't be a lazy day if you did.
Don't be ashamed to relish in your own body funk.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Things I'm thankful for:
My family and the fact I moved away from them. Sometimes you gotta move so people can realize your value. I love them more now.
My friends, especially the ones that have stuck by me this past year. (Big D,G,Big Sleeveless, Digo!, Vicky, The Agents, April, and Regine)
Agents 80 and 82, because they're the sister's I never had.
Howie because we can handle the worst and look forward to the best.

To all those that helped me grow and realize my potential and continue to help me climb that ladder to the top...This means YOU!

Love,
Tasty

Buy one, get one free...

2006-10-18T00:12:00.000-04:00

New York Newsday:

Dress counts

Women dress better when they are most fertile, according to a study
published online last week in the journal Hormones and Behavior.

The study's lead author is Martie G. Haselton, a scientist in behavior, evolution and culture at the University of California at Los Angeles.

That means i'm MOST fertile every Saturday night... at Happy Hour!!

Sometimes you have to ask yourself.....

2006-09-27T22:24:00.000-04:00

am I racist if i give this to my Chinese friend?

OR

Am I racist if I buy it for myself and wear it when I see her?

FWD:FWD:FWD...

2006-09-15T23:41:00.000-04:00

DJTastyKeish: what u doing?
blackzilla69G: nothing
DJTastyKeish: u know what i hate? text msg fwds
blackzilla69G: lol why
DJTastyKeish: its like ppl stealing 10 cents from
DJTastyKeish: me
blackzilla69G: lololol
DJTastyKeish: i'm gonna call those ppl when they have no daytime minutes from overseas
blackzilla69G: lololol

Jesus Rims...

2006-09-12T23:55:00.000-04:00

the originator of ride or die.

Update your blog! Damn Tasty...

2006-09-04T01:32:00.000-04:00

I know, I know...

Alot has gone down since I last blogged. I will reveal all in good time....

But first I want to tell you about Bad T.V.

As a child, my parents were all about "NO T.V. on the Weekdays!"
So my brothers and I would smuggle some T.V resulting in memorizing whole channel line ups and knowing how long to turn the T.V off so they wouldn't feel the heat eminate from the back of it when they got home.

Fast Forward....I graduated college with a BA in TV/ Radio. My brother is an idiot savant, that can photographically memorize stuff. My other brother is the baby so they got tired of being vigilant and he watches whatever he wants...

Let me get on with it....I moved into my own place.
It includes all utilities and CABLE. Nice deal huh? Maybe, If I could watch more than F-ing Law and Order reruns and damn Lifetime Classic Movies...
What's so classic about anorexia, date rape, and wife beating?

When you have the Dish, I mean Sh*t Network's cheapest option free from your landlord, you have no choice but to watch:

The WATER channel: A channel about America's love of anything ON, IN, or Around Water. WHO THE HELL WATCHES THIS? And, WHY aren't you dead in a pool of your saliva?

And all the channels from ASIA. No where else but ASIA. Sometimes I watch Indian sitcoms, that suck so bad I want to boil my head in spicy curry sauce.

I catch the occaisional chinese soap opera which has enough courtesy to put english subtitles at the bottom. I can't argue with that at 4:30 in the morning...

I can't afford good cable, so now I'm blogging again.

Happy Birthday Tasty!!

2006-05-04T22:06:00.000-04:00

+ + =
Eat your heart out bulimics, and keep it down! I ate all this cake and I still look good!

I like to celebrate my Birthday with people I actually like....

Don't get it twisted, I'm not just FUBU..........

I'm United Colors of Benetton as well...
Mr. Eccentric and Vickfly

I like my men like I like my Sodas...
...Small
Mr. Eccentric

...Medium
G

Super-Sized
Big Sleeveless

I only hang out with the finest of bitches....

Tasty, Lil mouse, Agent 82

The Dirty Librarian, Agent 80, Tasty

Now if you want to close the club, holla at Tasty and the Crew.

If you want to see a pic of Agent 80, dancing like she doesn't have any shame....

Holla at Tasty!!

The only candle you need in The End...

2006-04-24T21:17:00.000-04:00

I saw this candle at the 99 Cent store and thought to myself:
"Who am I going to make a Happy Deathday Cake for?"

TastyKeish goes to....

2006-03-02T20:14:00.000-05:00

LONDON Motherf-ing England!

And it was goooooooood, in that ego trip sort of way. They give the kind of love you can't get at home, like when you CAN'T possibly drink anymore without getting alcohol poisoning and they keep buying you drinks...even in the morning. That's hospitality!

With that being said, I'll introduce you to some of the things did and people I met. Starting with American Airlines' breakfast:

href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/5616/588/1600/100_0939.jpg">
This is some BS, If i thought they were gonna drop a box of "ready to eat" crap in my lap, i would have took India Air, the fare was cheaper and atleast the crackers would have been curried. Oh and the TV hardly worked and my chair was busted, I'm only saying it now because I'm passive aggressive.

When I got there, I was totally jet-lagged and slept the whole day away, not too mention the next half a day. It's my vacation I'll waste it anyway that I want. However, I did get wasted with this dude:

Say hello to my friend "Poppin Fresh" imagine this dude with an African accent saying "shake and bake the cake on a rake", over and over with my encouragement of course.

The next day I went to some museums and saw some psychedelic Brazilian art from the late 1960's. It was all kind of interactive and extrasensory so here I am trying some art with my feet:
I was really trying when I was feeling the leaves... TastyKeish embraces new experiences, so let's just go ahead and step on... BRICKS!
Apparently, in the late 60's people were high.

So I went to look at stuff at the British Museum, like: apparently this guy cut his arms off cause his penis is too small.

That was some day stuff, here's my night crew:
Prince Akeem of Zamunda and his Fair Lady Lisa McDowell ;-) They took me to the night spots in one of which I witnessed the precursor to a threesome. Let me tell you about it real quick...This white guy was with a black girl and a white girl in a VIP type area, they had some champagne flowing and there was definatly some open girl on girl breast handling and threeway kissing. So I turn to my friend the Fair Lady Lisa McDowell, and say "Yo, I bet you I can scoop up one of those chicks." She gives me a look that says "try it". Next thing you know I'm freak dancing the black chick. It was cool but she wasn't that great looking up close and that was that...

Speaking of picking up girls, meet "Semi" aka "The Black 007",

He is almost as tasty as Tasty herself and he knows it. For a good time, see his number scrawled on the inside of a bathroom stall near you.

This next dude on the left of Tasty, is quite the gentleman, I'll call him "Young Sir" he is kin to the above noted "Price Akeem of Zamunda". The one on the right i'll call "DWI", for obvious reasons.
Hanging out with these two was like having two dates that knew about each other. That was definatley a good look for Tasty...

Instead of being at the boring ass Olymipics, the wonderful and very cute Italian bartenders at Bar B Lo kept my blood alcohol level at steady illegal level every night of my trip.

I also went to the usual tourist shopping traps like Covent Garden, Picadilly Circus, and Camden Town, where I spent an exorbent amount of money. And I spent like 3 hours at the QUEEN of ALL Shopping ESTABLISHMENTS...
Harrod's.
It took me 5 minutes to buy some specialty tea and the rest of the time to get out of the store.

Like I said to the guys that smelled like feet before I left the hostel I was supposed to stay at: "Enjoy your vacation, Bitches!"

I know I did,
Tasty

2006-02-12T01:53:00.000-05:00

and that's okay.
But I wish you would have told me first....

Let's back track here. It's friday night, I was busy getting stood up for a date (maybe I shouldn't have told him I wasn't interested- oops!). I forgot the cardinal rule- Don't show you don't want to have sex till after the bill portion of the meal. I guess no one wants to just be friends anymore, the type that pay for your meal, I mean. I didn't care except that the MotherF-er now owes me a swipe on my Metrocard.

As I began to walk away, I saw my guy friend from pseudo-work (work you don't get paid for and/or sometimes not even recognized for) and I approached him after completing his potato chip purchase. I just realized he didn't offer me any... But that's cool cause after we talk abit, he invites me to this party he's on a list for and has a plus one. I'm like, " Shit, I partied with you before, so let's go!" Let me tell you, I had my suspicions about his sexuality, but not like to be noisy but just to validate my own hotness. Cause during our last time chillin, my best Beyonce-like booty dance was not breaking a brother down...so either I smell or you're gay. Because I'm Tastykeish and who wouldn't love to Jay-Z my Beyonce?

Ok, damn so now that you know the level of my sexy, back to the story. We got some food, and made our way downtown. He explains that, it's his friends party that has a Dirty South feel. I'm getting hyped up for an ass bumping good time, but I do tell him that D.C Gogo music doesn't count because it's shit.... We finally get there 3 subways later, and when we get to the door, the door guy looks at us and says " You know what type of party this is, right?" Last time I heard that I walked into a ghetto sausagefest with guys that look like they would shank you with a No.2 pencil dancing to reggae with each other. I'm totally cool because, it's a party right?

Now it's not weird cause it's a gay party, that probably made it better. But we enter and white folks are everywhere dancing all over the place like they're having seizures. We put our coats down, circulate, grab a drink, and dance to the spastic Ipod mixing DJ. Even the gay girl from America's Next Top Model was there and her friend was checking me out. How about that for Tasty? People are on stage in various stages of undress, a curvy-in-the-wrong places chick wearing suspenders covering her nipples, people just wearing tighty whities. I was thinking about taking my pants off too, I thought my SpongeBob undies would have been a good look.

Eventually, my buddy finds his friend, this weasly looking hispanic (maybe white) dude that is quite wonderful. Shit, everyone is wonderful once you buy me a drink. We all were dancing, I turn around for a second then start to turn back and out of the corner of my eye...my homie is kissing his homie!
I'm cool and shit, I turn around and keep dancing, goto the bar and just marinate on what I just saw.

I'm honored that my homie felt comfortable enough to take me to his chill spot and be so open. But he could have just told me, then again when I goto SCORES, I don't tell people I like strippers....

Til I get my lapdance!

A personal favorite...

2006-02-03T23:26:00.000-05:00

As I sit home just marinated in the blue glow of the television, drinking wine and eating cheese, I offer you this Re-Post from last year (1-20-05)...

I am Cheesus and I spread the gospel that is cheese.

It is written in the Book of Jilltwiss.blogspot.com that 3 Wise Men brought gifts unto the Baby Cheesus: Cheddar, Munster, and Bleu. I am the same Cheesus that madeth the face of Virgin Mary appear on a grilled cheese sandwich on Ebay. To pay homage to the grilled cheese sandwiches I will be hosting a pilgrimage to Grilled Cheese NYC, a restaurant in the lower east side that sells only grilled cheese sandwiches and variations of it. I got this vision from the Food Channel angels that these people were doing the good works of I, Cheesus.

Together, We will walk up the Swiss mountain top and drink from the Kraft Rivers and shredded mozzerella shall dry the tears of the poor. Cheesus will never part a sea of cheese because it deserves to be basked in, like cheese topped garlic bread.

And when you have a problem choosing an item on a menu; ask yourself: "What would Cheesus do?" And then you can proceed to pick anything made of, topped with, or stuffed with cheese.
I do not forsake my lactose intolerant children, Cheesus has many alternatives, unfortunatly Soy Cheese is the Devil's work and you should risk constipation or diarrhea to show respect to me.

Cheesus Loves You. Amen.

2006-01-29T22:54:00.000-05:00

Heartbroken....can someone fix it?

No two snowflakes are alike...

2006-01-25T02:57:00.000-05:00

As I walk the Earth, I happen upon little gems like the one below.
Everyday, I see this homage to winter everyday at work (I work at a school) and one day I noticed that Hip Hop has infiltrated this picture perfect white Christmas.

Look close....

Closer....

BAM! Read the caption at child has included in the classes' collage....

"50 Cent owns this"
(pic was taken by my camera phone, hence the blur)

Thank God Roots is coming on next month, cause this kid needs to learn something.

Not in a good mood these days...

2006-01-22T21:13:00.000-05:00

Drunkards Gallery I

2006-01-15T19:46:00.000-05:00

One thing I always seem to notice where ever I go is drunk people.
At one point or another we have all been drunk.
You get that look, you're center of gravity is totally non-existant, and you don't know what the hell is going on.

And thats okay.

This is my ode to the inebriated, a gallery to celebrate the very thing that people do to become confident, to quell fears, to be humorous, to escape everyday life...This is,

The Frenchman

I met this gentleman during my journey to Calle, France last summer.
I really just wanted an authentic French meal, perhaps we should have split a bottle of whatever he was drinking. Because the meal wasn't that great.

The Penn Station Girls

Apparently, these young ladies didn't realize how ambitious they were in looking for fun.
I could tell just by seeing the one on the left swallow back her vomit that they had a great time!
I watched these girls for about an hour while I waited on my train. There was spontaneous crying and hugging strangers, and nearly falling.
The only thing to remind them of the night before is the huge vomit stain on her jacket.

Volume II coming soon....Cheers!

How We Spent the last week of 2005...A Photo Review

2006-01-07T03:37:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays From the HO, HO, HO's!
As agents we REALLY do wear the same pajama's even when were NOT together. Strange but true....in all those bags are matching outfits! Serious.

On the Wednesday after Christmas, the Agents and I capped off a day of shopping with an attempt to goto a club in New Jersey. Take a good look at the shoes I'm wearing.....Now picture me (and the agents) online for an hour to get into this place....By then I was salivating at the thought of the 24hr Crown Fried Chicken across the street. I damn near took off the shoes and ran there afterwards....

You may not recognize the face on your left. That's Agent 82! 82 is well into her coursework in All Night Escapades 101 taught by Agent 80 (on the right) and myself. Keep up the good work! You're making up for the D you got when you party pooped in Atlantic City....but we won't go there.

On Friday night, Agent 80, Big D- The Weathergirl, G, and I went to Jay-Z's 40/40 club. It was soon a toss up between Big D- The Weathergirl and Agent 80 on who was pimpin the most....I say it was a tie! G was just chillin in the cut, acting like he didn't know us...That's cool. He can't be messin' with my pimp game. WORD!

Myself, Tastykeish aka Agent 81...Como se dice "getting my groove on"?

Nothing like alil Jesus Juice to get the party started! AMEN!
5, 4, 3, 2, 1...HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Thanks to this dumbass I pocketed 2 dollars and Agent 80 got 4 dollars. Which we promptly spent on a tacos the next day...

The same guy and this girl who soon after this moment has a Janet Jackson-like wardrobe malfunction on stage. It's always the one damn time the camera isn't on!!

My last look for 2005.

Pimpin' ain't easy... It's just not hard for me...

Make everyday count!
Love,
your friendly neigborhood Agents 80, 81, 82.

Happy New Year for now...

2005-12-31T20:41:00.000-05:00

This week is shall regale you with stories of the week long party....with photos!

Welcome to my world....

2005-12-25T09:32:00.000-05:00

R.I.P Santa Claus

Try not to kick the tooth fairy on your way in, she's in a drug induced coma. Oh and watch your head,the Easter Bunny hung himself last night...

A bit of Logic.....

2005-12-18T17:41:00.000-05:00

IF I took this pic in Staten Island.
THEN they are stupid.

THEREFORE, It is True AND it's the very reason they should cecede from New York...

Turn it UP!!

2005-12-09T18:09:00.000-05:00

Yea, that's me on your 99.5 FM dial.

I'm on Rise Up Radio, a youth produced show dedicated to positivity and fighting social injustice.

You can listen EVERY FRIDAY on WBAI FM, in New York and the tri-state area, OR
on the Web at www.WBAI.org and look under "archives".

Be active in YOUR world! Start by listening to RISE UP RADIO!

Untitled...

2005-12-05T23:10:00.000-05:00

You are my Hamlet.
Strong.
Yet,
Sad and Confused.
I still love you.

No one wins.
All the players have succumbed to death
by the end of this show.

So have we.

Sumthin' fo the Heathens...

2005-11-20T21:42:00.000-05:00

That time of the year is around the corner and instead of sending out cards, I'm letting you all know of a certain special event out there....

JESUS JAM 2005!!!

ONE NIGHT ONLY!

DECEMBER 25th......

Can you Smeeellllllll what the MESSIAH IS COOKIN?!??!

I bet you can! The ORIGINAL maker of the Communion wafer and wine is gonna put the prayer smackdown on all y'all beleivers...

Special Guest includes only the biggest posse to on stage with Jesus EVER... The 12 APOSTLES.

AND straight outta the Heavens is Mother Mary, the baddest immaculate

conceiving chick out there, with a show stopping entrance right out of

the sky, with stage FX only GOD can make!

BE THERE! JESUS JAM '05...AMEN!

(My brother says i'm going to hell for this one)

Tasty's First Haircut...

2005-11-12T18:02:00.000-05:00

minus equals

That's MY Mama...

2005-10-18T01:26:00.000-04:00

Her philosophy on free drink refills is:

"You gotta get whatever you can from The Man....Girl, you better get some more soda to go!"

That philosophy goes for napkins, and any condiment in tiny packets or cups...especially the Spicy Chipotle dipping sauce at Wendy's.

She's not joking when she asks for four.

It's either this or infomercials....

2005-10-13T05:14:00.000-04:00

I was flipping channels last night and reading the synopsis of things I might want to watch when I come across this:

"Exit to Eden: Rosie O'Donnell, Dan Aykroyd.
A Los Angeles Detective and her partner pursue a diamond smuggler to an erotic fantasy island."

Rosie O'Donnell + Dan Aykrod= NOT EROTIC

I rather watch the guys on the Blue Collar TV show start a race riot in the middle of
South Central L.A.

Now, that's sexy!

Things that make you go.... hmmmm

2005-09-29T22:09:00.000-04:00

Hi, Agent 80!
Oh, what's that? It's a TE-LE-PHONE.... Primitive man once used them to communicate on the go.

Don't laugh....they thought it was "easier"... (by the way this pic was taken with a CELL Phone)

It's been a long time. I shouldn't have left you.....

2005-09-06T19:32:00.000-04:00

without a dope beat to step to.

I'm back from camp, and thankful of it. I been catching up with all my friends and family and sleeping in. First person I hung out with was Agent 80, who regaled you with that story of ol' stank breath, in my absence. In an effort to "discover the wonders of New Jersey", we decided to goto Hoboken, New Jersey to hit some bars and clubs. Apparently the Mapquest fairies wanted to play a trick on us since they moved the whole damn town! We ended up at a Mediterranian Jamfest that we promptly left when it was like walking into the Al- Qaida victory party. Having the munchies, we got a table for two at Dunkin Donuts for an exquiste meal of nu-Q-lar (the way George W. says it) egg croisanwich. Getting a donut in clubwear and not having danced...priceless.

My second outing since I've been back was less of a bonding experience and more of an interesting experience overall.

(sing to the tune of Gilligan's Island....more or less)
Now, Sit right back and enjoy a tale, a tale of a fateful trip,
a trip with Agent 81. And Ruuuuuuuby Red, her sidekick too. Dri-ving the pimpmobile,
like moviestars they'ed been drinking toooooooooooo.
They drive away. Encountered a fellow... jerking off in his carrrrrrrr.
The fellow was talented, he drove and he jerked.
The ladies laughed at him, he wanted them to watch him whistle while he worked.
He twirked his member and the ladies stayed alert-
and laughed at their odd fortune
to see a freak jerk.
The fellow came to his plateau and on his hand he did squirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!
(End Song- OK, I swear it rhymed in my head when I wrote it)

Then the guy (safely enclosed in his car and us ours) bid us adieu, made a U-turn and left.

We decided that moment was weird enough to NOT get high.

Bad Breath

2005-07-14T07:59:00.000-04:00

Hello all,

This is Agent 80.....As you may be aware I am blogg-sitting for one of my agents. Well Today's topic is Bad Breath....I know, I know..this topic is serious...in fact any thing that deals with hygienes is serious. But all jokes aside, some people really need to work hard on their hygiene issues...because there is nothing worse than getting hit in the face by someones bad breath!

The other day I went shopping at the mall..getting my makeover and celebrating my new life. Until suddenly, I ran into an old associate of mines. As he was talking to me, trying to get my number...I was dying before his eyes. His breath was burning my eyelids off and I could hardly breathe. The smell of something worse than the NYC sewage was comming from his direction..... and nauseating me. And there he stood before me trying to holla at me. To get some sort of relief and to keep the conversation short, I kindly offered him a mint.... and do you know he had the nerve to say no! In total disbelief and in shock, I had to cut the conversation short. I could no longer endure, the smell of his breath. Here I am trying to help a brotha out with his hygiene issues and he refuses a free mint! How ungrateful...there is nothing worse than a physically attractive guy with bad breath!

Nature's own Velveeta!

2005-07-02T20:46:00.000-04:00

Watkin's Glen Park serve's it up again!

It's really hard to do anything much less blog when you're in the middle of nowhere being a camp nurse/ radio teacher. So when you have a day off to go anywhere, you go with whoever has a car.

The car I went with went to this State Park in Super-Upstate-Damn-Near-Canada-New York and I took these exciting pics. What else is there to do but take pics of nature's cheese?

In my effort to have regular blog content, I'll be having our friendly neighborhood Agents 80 and 82 man the fort. Also, I welcome any news from the outside world, as I am mentally imprisoned in a world of 7-15 year olds that need constant attention.

Agents make me proud!

Watkins Glen State Park

2005-07-01T20:37:00.000-04:00

A Geologists Wet Dream...

Sleep-Away Camp...

2005-06-16T19:38:00.000-04:00

24 years old and I finally got to goto camp and whats even better...
I'm getting paid for it. I'm teaching radio to some artsy type kids
and I also get to be the camp nurse which is cool at an arts camp.
The worst thing that can happen is maybe a hand cramp from holding
a paint brush all day. But then again, I was thinking the "Rock Kids"
might smash guitars over each others heads. In which case I would
be dealing with retards. Also from talking to some counselors I hear that
the girls are quite a bit hard to control than the boys. A story about
smoking tea leaves comes to mind.
The kids aren't here yet so I'll let you know.

Have you ever been to sleep away camp? Or do you wish you were rich enough to afford
it or poor enough you could go for free? Leave a comment, I'm just curious...

The Fort Lauderdale Diet...

2005-06-12T22:41:00.000-04:00

On the left is a photo of TastyKeish. On the Right, "Mrs. Menova".

At face value, they have nothing incommon besides the fact that

TastyKeish is "schtupping" her son and that together they can barely

tip the scale at 90 lbs. As you can see Ms. Menova hasn't eaten in

about 30 years and TastyKeish is so desperate for food she'll eat

Cheerios WITHOUT SUGAR!

Together they will embark on Stan The Man's Fort Lauderdale Diet for

the Malnourished. It Gurantees abnormally fast and unhealthy weight

gain for anyone.(Stan The Man is not photographed here for legal

reasons.)

Here's an overview of the types of food one should eat each day on The Fort Lauderdale Diet for the Malnourished.

Day 1: An extra large helping of Baked Ziti covered in mozzerella

cheese and Mystery meat sauce. Depending on the day you might find some

chicken, beef, or perhaps a whole bald eagle if you're lucky.

Day 2 : is all about the Chinese Food, Chicken and Broccoli with white

sauce. (The Brocolli is there because they won't make chicken and

broccoli without the broccoli.) Depending on the restaurant in your

area. You'll want to ask for extra brown or white sauce due to the high

salt and fat content.

Day 3: is literally spent at the Golden Corral Buffet. Because, as Stan

The Man says "If you can't eat for more than 4 and a half hours

straight... you're a punk bitch."

Day 4: is a treat, It's Mrs Menova's birthday! Oh no it's just Wednesday, and she's hungry. Atta Girl!!

Day 5: Ziti Again!!

Stan The Man doesn't condone wasting food or feeding your children

before you eat. So you should "Nuke it Hiroshima style then add

Swiss Cheese for a new flavor on old food." Thanks Chef Stan!!

Day 6: Chinese is a personal favorite of Chef Stan. You may think

Shrimp is healthy, but it's really the cheapest of the fancy seafood

and as long as the rice to shrimp ratio is high, you're good to go.

Don't forget the sauce!

Day 7: Emerald Coast Buffet, another marathon food fest goes down here.

At this discreet eatery, the weekly meeting of those on the Fort

Lauderdale Diet where the soon to be portly get together to break

scales.

One last tip: Don't go here!

After a week of fully satiating one's appetitie to the fullest extext

Chef Stan's faithful follwers, TastyKeish and Mrs.Menova are now

covergirls for Fort Lauderdale's lush beaches and picnic areas!

thanks to the devilishsaint for his awesome photoshopping !

2005-06-08T22:20:00.000-04:00

So much more avant garde than "The Dollar Store"...
It's where Alzheimers paitients wander.

Liquid Sunshine

2005-06-07T22:18:00.000-04:00

This is what Florida looks like when you're not trying to get your hair wet.

Door to Door car service: 20.00 dollars in boyfriends gas.
Perm: 50.00 dollars
Not having to goto a hair salon in a white neighborhood: Priceless.

Taking a life break...

2005-06-05T20:51:00.000-04:00

Some of you may know that I took alil siesta down in Florida.
I'm looking for the perfect time to blog. Since the last time I came down here
I blogged about my bf's parents and they read it. LOL.

Now, I'm gonna lay low, I think they must think i'm blogging about them
whenever I check my email.

So, whenever they goto the dollar store or something that old people do
I'll sneak on, upload you some pics and finger-pop your mind.

12 A.M. on the way to the club...

2005-06-01T11:56:00.000-04:00

I'm back up in this piece.
I was running around for the past few weeks like a chicken from a voodoo ceremony. Been working the overnight shift. Got my new voiceover demo done, I'm sounding like such a sassy broad on it, which makes me happy. Then I had to deal with all the end of the year commencement stuff, I figure since I'm not going to the graduation ceremony itself, I might as well goto all the lunches...so I can get my free eat on.

All that running around paid off though, cause The Agents and I did it again.
We gave the club a run for it's money. And since we get in free, it wasn't too tough. Except for one of our Junior Operatives, Big Sleeveless who had to pay 30 dollars to get in cuz he's a guy. Poor guy spent his night supervising us hot bitches, lol.Don't you feel like you're invincible when you're hanging out with a guy that can easily be quarterback in the NFL? Cause I did. I totally gave the finger to some smartass cops that tried to skip the line at the club, after we skipped them skipping us :) What are you gonna do assholes? Arrest me?
Did I mention the two girls and the four Afghani dudes we let skip the line with us? That was just to piss them off.

Three Things that let you know it's going to be a good night:

1. A girl vomits on the carpet right in front of security and goes right back into the club, nasty throw-up mouth and all.

2. You park right by the elevator, already confirming the fact that you can drink all night and walk right smack into the car. IF you get off at the right floor.

3. It's a good night when you park next to this:

A carpet covered car, that I vomited on after leaving the club drunk.

Good Times!

These are for you...

2005-05-27T20:47:00.000-04:00

Forgive me.
I've been such a bad blogger lately. I keep apologizing only to do it again. But you
know I love you right? I wouldn't do anything to hurt you....

So I haven't blogged in about a week, maybe two?
It doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about you baby.
You know how it is, I haven't been sleeping and I'm totally stressed out.
What? That's no excuse?
I know you have all those other blogs to look at, but you gotta remember we started this thing together. Last October, remember? The surgery blogs, "Cheesus", and being bitter about graduating college. You were there through all that.
Sunshine and rain boo....sunshine and rain.

Just give me a few more days. I swear I'll have a sexy new blog for you this weekend.

Nobody's blogs for you like I do.

NO ONE.

A few words from our Sponsor...

2005-05-15T04:16:00.000-04:00

Blogs are like long instant messages, with comments as replies.
Anonymous commenters get under your skin like Crank Bugs (invisible bugs that crack head and meth heads itch at and pick at their skin- thats why they have open sores). But I leave the anonymous option open to users that don't want to become blogger.com members or people like the Al-Qaida, that don't want to come out of their virtual hole in the ground.

As far as IM's go:
I don't really LOL, I kind of chuckle.
When I write LMAO, am I really bouncing out of my chair laughing my ass off? Was the thing you said SOoooooooooooooooo funny I almost lost my mind? Probably not. But that's when I am LOL-ing.
DON'T YOU HATE WHEN PEOPLE WRITE IN CAPS? DOESN'T IT SEEM LIKE THEY'RE YELLING?
YES! BUT SOMETIMES THEY'RE NOT. They're just crazy, is all.

I'm just saying IM's and comments leave lots of room for interpretation. So don't be passive aggressive, leave an email so I can Spam your mailbox with porno and mortgage rates.

Separate the colored from the whites...

2005-05-10T16:32:00.000-04:00

Judging from my most recent foray into the world of doing laundry at a publilc facility, I can honestly say "I'm a dirty girl." I wish i meant it in a sexy way (which I do, after sundown on the weekends) but no, I really am a dirty girl. I waited to do my laundry until the last t-shirt was fully and sufficiently soiled to the point where I almost wore a bikini bottom to work.

Something had to be done. I went to the laundromat right after work. One might ask: "Keisha, don't you live in house with a washer and dryer?"

I would say: "Don't you know we're ghetto at my house and once something stops working, It stops working forever. Also, the fact that my retarded brother used to wash one shirt at a time, which made my dad ban him and start watching us put an acceptable amount of laundry in the washer".

On my wash-n-dry fest, I noticed something. Your laundry says something about who you are. Or who people percieve you to be. Apparently, my laundry says i'm an un fashionable male with kids. As I write this, I can honestly say, I have NOT grown a penis, some facial hair yes. Penis no. So when i'm folding one of 500 hundred tshirts, one should know they are some I've "borrowed" from ex's or my brothers, about 250 I've confiscated from my current bf, since he will wear a purple shirt with orange and green designs out in public. I can't have that happen and they have been happily converted to pajamas. Also I have really long arms and I don't bother wearing real shirts unless I have to. God plays this game with me, it goes: long arms+long legs+short torso+ braces= No America's Next Top Model for Keish!
But I got nice boobs, "So, HA God, HA".

Nowadays, when I get my laundry done, every now and then I get checked out (didn't I just say I had nice boobs?). But as soon as I start folding the twin sized sheet with the footballs or Elmo, it's automatically assumed that I have kids and Mr. Clean runs the other way. I don't have kids, but I got kids sheets. why let good sheets goto waste, i'll use them if nobody in the house will, Oh and i'm the only one in the house with a twin bed...which makes sex quite uncomfortable.

From the title, you thought this was gonna be some weird hate letter didn't you? Sick F-ck.

What I wish I did for my Birthday.....

2005-05-05T06:18:00.000-04:00

First, What I did on my Birthday:

I recently turned 24, which makes me almost the age where I start lying about my age. 'Round about 27, i'll be 24 again. Sounds about right...
Anyway, I actually went to work on my birthday, which people kind of look at me like i'm crazy cuz I rather make money then spend it. If that's the case, somebody needs
to tie me up and put me in a rubber room. Cause I'm just KA-RAY-ZAY!
What's really ironic was the fact that I went to a wake. On my birthday. It was for a relative of a close friend, so it's all good. Just got me thinking how f-ed up it would be if I droped dead on the ride to work. Then people would say "Damn, she's crazy, died driving to work on her birthday coming from a funeral...That's what you get when you don't goto the club." That, would be F-ed up .

Now, WHAT I WISH I DID FOR MY BIRTHDAY....is goto the Build-a-Bear store.
I saw a commercial for it. It's kind of a Chucky Cheese thing where each kid gets to design their own teddy bear and put alittle heart inside after making a wish. I would have gotten like 20 of my adult friends, in all seriousness to show up wearing their best gold chains and doo-rags. My homie Killa Keith would bring his boombox that he uses in his car cuz his radio got stolen, my homegirl Big D would bring some Coronas since she's half Puerto Rican/ half Black, I figure she got the hook up either way you look at it. And we all would just start making these lil bears, just like the kids do. And when it comes time to make a wish we would all wish at the same time that P. Diddy would stop trying to "Make a Band" and it would come true, due to the collective power of "keeping it real".

And then we would leave and goto a strip club.

Rock The Casbah...

2005-04-29T19:50:00.000-04:00

My self fullfilling prophesy came true, see previous post for details.

My cousins, Agent 80 and 82....I'm agent 81. (Apparently in my head I think we're the CIA of having Good Times.) We spent last weekend celebrating the fruits of my labor by bumping and grinding with random men in Atlantic City. Yea baby! The agents and I met some fellows we affectionately refer to as: Crazy Guy, Sexy Guy, Nice Guy (who's not as cute and probably hates to be nicknamed "Nice Guy" because being nice doesn't get you laid), and Anaconda (with a nickname like that, he will get laid. But not by me cuz I like my anacondas more garden snake size).
As much as I would like to post a pic of these guys taken with a mid quality camera phone, something tells me that legally....I shouldn't.

So we turned the Taj Mahal out....spent about twenty bucks at the nickel slots, like the big ballers we are. After indulging our low level gambling addiction, we hit the Casbah, the club in the Taj for some free for ladies clubing. When we hit the door, we noticed that there was like five black people in there and we were three of them. That meant the odds were in our favor, we would be beating white boys off us with sticks. And thats pretty much what happened. Instead of sticks, I beat them off with provacative dancing, the kind that was illegal in the movie "Footloose" starring Kevin Bacon. Something tells me it encouraged them instead.
Go figure.

Our trio was downsized to a duo, when agent number 82 had to get some sleep around three AM...she's still young, she'll catch up. Agent number 80 and I (81) stuck with it till 6AM. We don't give up, we fought the a good battle with sleep deprivation and won. Then we lost the war by messing up our day of marathon shopping by waking up at 2pm when all the stores close at 6 on a Sunday.

To find out if The Agents and I will be at a club near you. Contact me for details. :)

I promise to write as regularly as my Bowels...

2005-04-23T08:24:00.000-04:00

I'm back yet again, and happy to put this whole graduation party behind me. It has been hard being as bloggy as I usually am, which is eractic even when i'm on schedule. But as for the party... it was a good turn out. My mom went overboard on the speech, she literally named every accomplishment I ever had since nursery school, she even thanked about 90 percent of the people I was supposed to thank. So my speech went straight to hell and ended up sounded like stuff my drunk dad came up with. I also got some nice gifts and some much needed cash. Most of the cash is gone and I have nothing to show for it except a few bills with zero balances. Just when I think I have something saved up...this weekend i'll be putting myself back in debt shopping and really celebrating at the club. Bumping and grinding with random men on the dance floor is my way of patting myself on the back for a job well done.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Watch your mouth...

2005-04-10T10:53:00.000-04:00

My mom and I were in the Checks Cashed place and heard this while we were on line:

3 Year Old in Stroller: I want some juice.

3 Year Old: Gimme some juice.

Mother: There's no more juice.

3 Year Old: Gimme some juice, Ma!

Mother: You finished your juice.

3 Year Old: (angry) Gimme some juice, NIGGA!

I don't even know what to say about this one.

Growing Pains...

2005-04-06T15:48:00.000-04:00

In case you haven't noticed, I been a little bitter lately, and it seems like it's going to be that way for awhile.

To add to my most recent crapfest. I live at home. Trust me, if I wasn't broke- I wouldn't. Being here in my late teens and now my early twenties has been tough at times, especially when it comes to boyfriends. My parents are old school Caribbean parents that have this weird cultural group think that I usually have no problem with. I just avoid it. But this time I really needed them to bend the rules.

They're throwing me a graduation party and my best/boyfriend (of four years) can't come because they won't let him stay over for like two days. Nevermind that I stayed with his family for like three weeks and they were nothing but nice. MY parents think it's a sin, sin, sin, bad, bad, bad, "what will people think?" etc... Eventhough I asked if he could stay in the basement, as far as he can get from me living in the attic. (YEA, I SAID ATTIC. I'm fucking pathetic.) They won't back down.

Now i'm stuck in the middle, not wanting even to have the party but having already sent the invitations out. Hating my parents for hiding behind their beliefs (you know they're full of shit when your grandma sides with you) but liking them cause they want to throw me a party. And parties are always good.

I guess there comes a time when the clash of beliefs between parent and child comes to a head.
I'm moving out.

Soon.

In a few months.

Eventually.

Ipods and public transportation don't mix...

2005-03-30T17:59:00.000-05:00

The news has been reporting a rash of Ipod related crimes unrelated to stealing mp3's but Ipod getting physically taken from people.
Since I don't have an Ipod (no fm radio=no deal) I can only imagine that people are jogging or riding the train enjoying their music with the notorious white headphones on. Some might even have it in their hands spinning that dial with their thumbs, never guessing they are about to get JACKED.
My friend witnessed this happen on the way to campus, a ride I personally have taken a million times and said these guys cornered a girl and just took the her Ipod in front of the whole train. I can understand minding your own business, but the other passengers chastised THE VICTIM for even having an Ipod. They got on her case for using her PORTABLE music player so she wouldn''t have to listen to their inane blather and to help tune out of their body odors on the long ride to the last stop of the 2 train.
She just sat there embarrased. I would have started stealing their purses and shit and saying you shouldn't be carrying handbags if you don't want to get robbed.

I really hate people more and more everyday.

Got my degree....

2005-03-26T08:07:00.000-05:00

and apparently I still ain't shit.

That seems to be the general concensus within the aunts, uncles, and grandparents of the family.
Picture this: You walk in to the house ready to show off your brand new diploma you worked hard for five years to get, with no financial help, almost suffering a nervous breakdown (as many students do at one point or another). Anyway, you show them and you're met with a lukewarm response "Nice. So what, now you can be a teacher?" (I got my BA in Tv/Radio, with intentions to become a radio DJ).

At this point I'm like, did i just get shit thrown in my face or is that supposed to be a compliment?

Turns out they all want me to remain in nursing where with the proper credentials I can make a gazillion bajillion trillion dollars doing crap work that I don't want to do for the rest of my life (no offense to nurses, I just need a career change). While holding my brand spanking new degree, I was even blackmailed into going back to school for nursing! Everyone shouldn't be so concerned with all the money I could be making, cause I'm not gonna lend it to them.

With family like this.....I should just kill myself.

Woof, Woof...

2005-03-23T18:13:00.000-05:00

I'm always looking for something new to watch on tv and I'll be damned if I saw a show on the National Geographic Channel called The Dog Whisperer. It shows people with crazy dogs and they get help for them. One Dog had Obsessive Complusive Disorder and ran so much around the house he made a path in the yard. A 160 pound Lab was scared of shiny floors cuz he ran into a glass window he thought wasn't there, so the owners had to carry around a carpet so he would go into places with shiny floors. There was a tiny Chihauhua that was the devil himself, I thought his head was gonna start spinning.

Ceasar Milan, is the host. He is The Dog Whisperer. He says cute things like "How you are doing today?", instead of " How are you doing today?". He' s a miracle worker, the reason I don't change the channel is cause i'm convinced his latin accent is what cures the dogs. But he does have some logical cures like walking the dog the right way. And running 50mph into a building with shiny floors with 160lb dogs. He must have said a prayer on the devil dog, cause it was sweet as honey by the end of the show.

I don't care much for dogs. But I do love CRAZY dogs. Oh and Cesar, If you're reading this, call me. You Sexy bastard, you.

Waking Nightmare...

2005-03-18T13:59:00.000-05:00

You know about Cheesus, you know about Porno Claus, but I had another vision.

That of the Chocolate Cupcake. It came to me in a dream where I had a mountain of snack foods
in my living room and like the greedy bastard I am, I was working hard to horde them in my closet before my parents came home.
My issue was not being able to wait and just devouring the candies and snacks I had never had before reaching my room. It was at that moment I bit into a chocolate cupcake covered with chocolate icing and... LIME FILLING!!!
DO YOU HEAR ME? LIME FILLING DAMMIT!
I never heard of such a choco-citrus combo, and here it was squirting into my mouth, coating, my teeth, and loving every passing second. And as luck would have it, that's when my parents came home and I made one last dash for the bedroom closet with my goddies. This is the part of the dream where my mom would find me slumped in the closet with a combination of spit and drool going down my chin and my hands in my pants celebrating Chocolate Cupcake with LIME filling ecstacy.

And then I woke up. Woke up in a cruel world where there are only regular chocolate cupcakes with that sorry ass twinkie filling. Now I have nothing to live for.

Mmmm, Mmmm Good...

2005-03-11T17:59:00.000-05:00

There are many duties a woman has to her husband, boyfriend, or pimp. Like microwave dinner, beat the children, have "sex". Sex is great, I don't have mysterious headaches or sudden heart attacks ala Fred Sanford that stop me from riding the magic love pony.

My issue is oral sex, i just can't seem to stop getting lock jaw right at that height of passion, when he looks as me and the general direction of his love pony. And just when I think I have him trained to safely operate machinery without a daily b.j, CNN tells me semen helps prevent breast cancer. I thought semen was only good for my skin, now I have to re-evaluate his aim.

The article explained that during their study they found that the women who ingest and digest versus those who didn't had a lower occurence for breast cancer. I guess I can no longer use my braces as an excuse not to felliate...I'll just do like with vegetables and close my eyes and swallow.

Read the article @ www.whatsupwithmen.com/cnn.html

Working Girl....

2005-03-03T01:03:00.000-05:00

I would write about my new job, but I been reading about people who get fired for writing about their jobs, so i'm just gonna say the "Cha- Ching" and leave it at that.

Unlike that dumb flight attendent that took inappropriate pics of herself on a the plane she worked on, she was actually surprised she got fired. She tried to be sexy in a few but could really use a push up bra, that was her first mistake. Then she was sitting across the top of a row of seats, if she didnt get fired for being an idiot, she should have gotten fired for abusing company furniture.

I'm gonna look for the link again, so I can post it up. Stupidity at it finest.

Feel free to link the dumbest reasons for getting fired for blogging.

OSCARS BIOTCH!

2005-02-27T23:40:00.000-05:00

AMEN people, black folks are averaging 2 Oscar winners a year.
Jamie Foxx for Best Actor and Morgan Freeman for Best Supporting Actor. Not bad, I'm thinking we can do better than that. But it was nice to have Chris Rock as a host and Beyonce singing like 18 songs. Last year, Halle Berry and Denzel Washington, sound like a pattern? It might just be the beginning of a conspiracy, black folks are in style again. Then again, haven't we always been?

P.S : I love Clint Eastwood but damn, what happened to him? He needs some sun, some vitamins and maybe some plastic surgery.

Dream, Dream, Dream....

2005-02-26T00:27:00.000-05:00

This is my newest bit of body art. My bf's dad gave it too me, isn't he cool!! This is a tropical flower that originally is yellow with the pink shading but I opted to go with just the pink. Maybe i'll get it shaded in more in the future.

Without dreams, you'll never do anything extraordinary.

These people are dead...

2005-02-22T20:07:00.000-05:00

Just Kidding! (MY bf's parents, who shall remain nameless, see blog below to learn more about Frick n' Frack)

I'M BAACCKK!

2005-02-20T17:23:00.000-05:00

And boy it was something. For the most part my boyfriend who I expressly went to see was at work most of the time so I eneded up hanging out with his 70-something year old parents at their Senior Complex. Think Melrose Place meets The Golden Girls mulitplied by Meet the Fockers.

1. I learned early that never under any circumstances fix electronics for old people, they keep looking for you when something goes wrong. Advantage: I looked like a genius. Disadvantage: they're like homeless people, once you feed, clothe, and let them shower....they don't want to leave you alone.
2. Certain old people are loose canons. Which was well demonstrated in the public displays of affection that Howie's Mom would scream out at her husband in a crowded supermarket, telling him " FUCK YOU!". As I was the only black person in the vincinity, I quickly removed myself from the situation.
3. By the way, they spit on you when they talk. And you can't wipe it off because it might seem rude.
4. Apparently buying in bulk is the only way to go for Howie's father. WIth three people in the house, he shops at Sam's Club for a pack of 80 rolls of toilet paper, he buys CASES of mangoes, large BAGS of Onions. And since he's old he forgets that he already bought mustard, jelly, and othe condiments, resulting in having about 3 or 4 of the same thing.
5. Oh and I can't forget the China Buffet outing when I met some of their friends. There was "Big Fran" who for obvious reasons felt it was necessary to have a rib in one hand and a crab leg in the other. Then was her husband "Sexy Seymour" who felt it was necessary to tell me about the porno spam he gets in his email...with a big smile. And, flying solo, was crazy Tilly with her walker that had a secret compartment for food they could take FROM the buffet, she couldn't help but ask me everydetail of my life. It was funny seeing her head almost explode when I would give her vague answers like "uhuh" and " it's nice".

But when I did hang out with Howie, we went to some bars and found one with a "Ladies Night" thing with free drinks for ladies. I totally got drunk for 6 bucks(you gotta tip!)...so some of that old people cheapness rubbed off.

What is Wrong with this Picture?

2005-02-07T11:28:00.000-05:00

I can safely say that Florida is a weird place. 87 percent of the population has both feet in the grave and no one will close the box, they openly place derogatory terms on their signs.... and yet, I'm thinking about moving here.
It must be the weather.

Greetings from the Sunshine State...

2005-01-31T10:40:00.000-05:00

I woke up the other day, wiped the spit from my face and flipped the pilliow over, kind of stinking, with no job, and not really looking for any propects and had a thought. I thought "I will goto Florida". The thought was also propelled by a burning desire...in my pants. And what better way to "extinguish" the fire by going to see my boyfriend? I whipped out my credit card, since i'm cash impaired and thanks to the good people at JetBlue Airlines, 3minutes and a one way ticket later, I was on my way. When I got here i told my b/f that I was visiting under the stipulation that he would send my ass back when I got bored or when we have a big fight. I wonder which one comes first?

In the coming days I will regale you with stories of my boyfriend's parents. They're........different.

Snow= Touching Oneself...

2005-01-26T01:36:00.000-05:00

Over on the Eastcoast we had a blizzard this weekend.

It was the type of the thing that makes you stay in and watch TV or go online. Most of the people I knew went online. And what I realized was that people LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,LOVE to masterbate. People kept coming online asking me where and how to get porn. I was like the porno expert, next thing you know i'm giving out tips on how to download the longest clips to maximize their masterbatory experience.

Now, if you know anything about the Keish, you know that I might have a lil stash hidden on my computer of probably every degenerate sex act known to man. Even if I don't like them. Well, except for gay sex, men just look like giant bears doing the nasty and i'm not into National Geographic. But anyway, by like 2pm all the way thru to the night, I was like Porno Claus; giving way the gift of group sex, anal, cumshots, black porn, white porn, etc. I felt good knowing that, at that moment many people were happy, and if they can sustain themselves from self orgasming, they would be happy for a loooooooooooooooong time (3-4 extra minutes tops).

I do it, cause thats the kind of person I am.

Merry "feeling yourself up",
Porno Claus

Extreme Makeover...Blog Edition

2005-01-24T13:59:00.000-05:00

As you can see, my face wasn't the only thing to be done over...

The Blog Assasin gave my blog an extreme makeover, which I'm grateful for. We ran into some issues due to Internet Explorer and Blogger messing with the positioning of everything. Which got me thinking I should switch over to Firefox, a new web browser that everyone is raving about. I tried it, it seems cool, but I'm glad you Internet Explorer users can also see the site, and you can continue to hold out on switching browsers...

I just wanted to thank the Blog Assasin for hooking me up!

What do you think about the new look?

Cheesus Lives!

2005-01-20T02:08:00.001-05:00

I am Cheesus and I spread the gospel that is cheese.

It is written in the Book of Jilltwiss.blogspot.com that 3 Wise Men brought gifts unto the Baby Cheesus: Cheddar, Munster, and Bleu. I am the same Cheesus that madeth the face of Virgin Mary appear on a grilled cheese sandwich on Ebay. To pay homage to the grilled cheese sandwiches I will be hosting a pilgrimage to Grilled Cheese NYC, a restaurant in the lower east side that sells only grilled cheese sandwiches and variations of it. I got this vision from the Food Channel angels that these people were doing the good works of I, Cheesus.

Together, We will walk up the Swiss mountain top and drink from the Kraft Rivers and shredded mozzerella shall dry the tears of the poor. Cheesus will never part a sea of cheese because it deserves to be basked in, like cheese topped garlic bread.

And when you have a problem choosing an item on a menu; ask yourself: "What would Cheesus do?" And then you can proceed to pick anything made of, topped with, or stuffed with cheese.
I do not forsake my lactose intolerant children, Cheesus has many alternatives, unfortunatly Soy Cheese is the Devil's work and you should risk constipation or diarrhea to show respect to me.

Cheesus Loves You. Amen.

2005-01-18T23:47:00.000-05:00

Here I am, 5 weeks post op. Still getting used to the new lip and nose. When it completely heals, i'll put up a nice before and after so you all know what i'm talking about. Peace n Love,

I Got Served...

2005-01-15T01:23:00.000-05:00

I got served with papers through the mail yesterday. Apparently I'm being SUED. BY A DAMN HOSPITAL!!!
Turns out that in 2001, I got some emergency room care that wasn't paid for by my "insurance provider". Those bloodsucking freaks known as healthcare in America, the bastards can't help you get well unless you're poor or rich. Poor people get shitty healthcare in second rate hospitals and me who is in the middle-class isn't eligible for medicaid can't get anything at all. Rich people just think about getting sick and they have a doctor knocking before they can cough.

So I get served with papers and now I have to goto court for almost dying. Excuse me for wanting to live. And don't give me that bullshit about how I don't want to pay for my services because I'm a nurse and yea I do like getting paid. But why should I pay 150 dollars for D5W to be pumped thru my veins? You know what that is? It's expensive sugar water, I can get that for about 25 cents at any local bodega. Here's another one: almost a thousand dollars to be in the emergency room, you know what I was doing there? Waiting.There's more but my brain is gonna explode if I write anymore, and I might have to goto the hospital for them to put my brain back in my head.

And we can't have that.

Methinks I have the Flu...

2005-01-11T15:35:00.000-05:00

Turns out that going out with your mom for the whole day isn't a good idea especially if she's coughing and you're driving around with the windows up. I was just basking in her germs. The next day she was so worse off she was making sounds like a dying animal in between coughs. I didn't think anything of it til last night when I started making the dying animal sounds and coughing.

So, I promise to be back when my eyes don't hurt from looking at the computer screen.

Hollywood can't keep it real...

2005-01-09T03:34:00.000-05:00

Let's talk about marriage....in Hollywood.
What is up with these people???

First of all, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up, big deal..yea if you read the "Daily News" it is. They were on the front page for Christ's sake. Forget about teachers that rape students or the over exposed tsunami situation even...Jen and Brad have broken up! They have more money than I can make flashing my naked ass on the internet and I should care about them? I'm not gonna lie though, I thought they might make it but turns out he wanted a baby and she was too busy to be the baby oven. Lemme get this straight, Brad Pitt's biological clock is ticking? He should adopt some of those tsunami orphans, they can use a rich daddy right about now...

Lets move on, i'm ranting now. Star fuckin Jones and Ol' whats his name. Her wedding was tackier than the guy she married. Way overdone, too many (celebrity) bridesmaids; she probably didn't know them all personally she just called some famous guests that were on "The View". Many of her decorations and services weren't even purchased, she traded them for a shoutout on "The View". Tacky, tacky, tacky. Oh and she actually looks better when she's overweight and her husband after 6months of dating proposed to her. He's an opportunist! Good for him, unfortunatley for her he admitted to having relationships with men in the past. That shows how small her pool of prospective husbands was. I can almost guarantee that this marriage breaks up ala Liza Minelli beating up her husband David Gest.

I know this is old but I can't help myself: Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. They got their names tattoo'ed onto each other's ring finger. Idiots. Also I saw the sex video and her privates look like lasagna. Maybe he got tired of eating at the Olive Garden...

Let's get on JLo's ass (wouldn't you love to, lol) she a good wholesome girl, from "da streets"....hell no she's not. She's an engagment/wedding ring collector, she probably got more ice than Jacob the Jeweler. That whole Ben Affleck thing was crazy; how do you go on television...not just television- "DATELINE" and tell people how he did all that gay rose petal on the floor thing and gave u a ring bigger than your left ass check, then break up the next day? Honestly, America wasn't ready for them to happen, eventhough white people like her it was still interracial and thats why they gave it so much attention, because when she married Marc Anthony a fellow latin fireball, the media could care less.

PROGRESS BITCHES!

2005-01-05T02:19:00.000-05:00

As you can see, i've come a long way from 3 weeks ago. The swelling is going down and the stitches are slowly dissolving from...everywhere. (You can scroll down to earlier dates to see the pics that led to me to this point)

Today I went to see the doctor so she could check out the damage and I told her I smelled a nasty odor from the right nostril. She deduced that it was time to take the splints (you gotta realize, they are the size of extra large guitar picks) out of my nose; they were holding the wall of my nose straight so I can breathe in the future. I'm happy just cause i'm getting something taken out and that sounds good to me. She tells me to lean back, takes a few stitches out which hurt alil, but I handle it like the P.I.M.P that I am. Next she's goes for the left nostril with a little clampy thing and fiddles somewhat and pulls out the first one, it hurts like someone ripping all your nose hair out with masking tape. But it's the right nostril that turns a hardcore thug like me into a....shall we say "punk biotch". She went in with the clamp and it was different, it hurt right away not like pulling nose hair but like pulling out the nerves themselves. I cried, I squeezed the nurse's hand til it went blue (i think), I even kicked out a leg. After it was all done, I was shaking so bad I had a cup of coffee (shotcallers like me don't drink coffee, but she didnt keep Cristal in her office).

Just wanted to share.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2005-01-01T13:49:00.000-05:00

Last night I didn't feel the New Year's spirit till this morning. I was so hung over. Nothing makes a New Year like drinking with your dad at a family party. I tried to get my mom drunk too, but by my third drink I forgot all goals I had for the night. This morning, I woke up too early this morning because I spent too much time at the food table with the shrimp cocktail, ended up almost breaking my neck trying to get to the bathroom from my luxurious attic bedroom. All in all, not a bad time.

Goodbye 2004.

I have nothing bad to say about the year we just left behind. It was good to me.
I only regret switching cell phone carriers.
I went to London in the summer for five weeks, I met alot of cool people (cuz i'm a baller).
I finished my last semester of college (2 grades still pending).
I had my last two surgeries, i'm successfully catching up to Michael Jackson's nose.
My boyfriend moved to Florida, talking some crap about a better life, blah, blah, blah. It's all good, he just better get a house with a walk in closet.

That's it no resolutions, I don't have weight to lose, no kids to promise to take to the zoo, no eating disorders to stop.
I have a plan for 2005, the year for change. Stay Tuned.

Keish= Good. Quiche= Bad.

2004-12-28T13:41:00.000-05:00

It doesn't take much to excite me lately. Especially since I haven't had sex in a few weeks now. So it really got me hot to see my blog could be "Googled". No, I didn't google my own blog, I found it in the referral section of my site meter (for those of you who don't know, site meter watches you watch my site).
Anyway, I saw it. Someone was looking for "quiche" the food, but they typed "keish", my name. I'm not sure I like being mistaken for a mediocre hors d' Odouvre. They're like the party food outcast. People buy them cuz they see them in the frozen foods department and think "Oh, cheese/spinach quiche, sounds classy. It must be good." Then later at the party, someone has one and you can see it in their face when they bite into it, that they rather have had the shrimp cocktail. Then like an STD, everybody avoids the quiche tray. It gets cold, it tastes worse. You take note that the party host is offended that no one ate the quiche. So you figure you could take a few, you hide some in your napkin, then under the sofa cushion, since you're too lazy too get up you kick a few under the chair or over to the dog. At the end of the night, you will be responsible for the horrible rat problem your friend (the party host) will have in the near future. Then they get evicted and come live with you, because you felt guilty for starting it all. Surprisingly, they don't like your famous graham cracker stuffing, and you see your first roach...

HO! HO! HO!!!

2004-12-25T23:17:00.000-05:00

I want to thank all my family and friends for coming over and seeing me, as I am slightly too medicated (and lazy) to drive. And thank you all that have been coming to see me via this blog.

I had a good holiday with the family, had a nice dinner on "C.P" time, four hours late...
Dad had a couple bottles of wine...with his meal. Mom would not stop talking. My brothers were actually civilized. In the end, I took a painkiller went to my room and watched that thing on the History Channel about the many ways God uses natural disasters to punish man. After watching it, I decided to start going to church again.
You know...just in case.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

2004-12-25T23:16:00.000-05:00

Progress.... This pic might be to raw for some of you but for Christmas I wanted to show you how far I've come since surgery. As you can see the lip ans nose surgery went well. I'm still swollen, and yes.....those are boogers.

Stop Staring....

2004-12-22T23:08:00.000-05:00

I wanted to thank all of you for all the well wishes and just stopping by my blog. Thanks!

I also wanted to tell you about my first excursion out since the surgery. I went to the doctor yesterday, and when your dealing with a plastic surgeon, you notice that post surgically, you dont have to wait long in the waiting room. Apparently, they don't want your ugly ass out front scaring potential customers. So they had me in an empty room in the back. That was fine with me, I just wanted to get some of this crap out and off my face.

Afterwards, My dad and I went to the mall because he is completely inept at picking out his secret santa gift for work. Going to the mall was such a bad move. It was sooooo crowded and busy, my face started hurting and I was getting cranky. And you know how people are.... they stare. Which I didn't mind, I felt bad walking around children looking the way I did, But adults are so freaking nosy. It's okay to look for a couple seconds, you can even do a double take, that I understand. But when you're on line and you can't reach into your wallet because you're busy looking at me, there's a problem.

So I dealt with it. I said to the lady "I got a nose job for Christmas, What did your husband get you? Not much..."

Then I went home and self medicated.

2004-12-22T23:07:00.000-05:00

This is a side view of my nose without the bandages. Perhaps those are boogers slowly leaking down onto my lip.........perhaps.

Home Again...

2004-12-20T19:29:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you've seen the pic of me below, but lemme know if you want the full monty.

I'm been home on some of those yummy painkillers and antibiotics and steriods that keep me free of bruising and black eyes you usually see people that have had plastic surgery have.
I had to share my room with this whiny girl that kept moaning all night for painkillers and she wouldnt take the tylenol she was offered. If i was her i be happy to get anything at all! What is wrong with people??? I had the worst night, I threw up four times. Once for everytime I wanted to goto the bathroom. So up came the jello, then up came the rice, then up came whatever little bit of stomach contents I had left. I should have thrown up on the moaning girl so she would let me sleep, lol.

Anyway, I'm afraid to eat now because I havent made "number 2" since the morning of the surgery. But if you come for a visit, I will accept baked goods, cheese, and ice cream.
If that doesn't make me "number 2", I don't know what will...

2004-12-20T19:27:00.000-05:00

Me going home from the hospital. It looks worse under the bandage, but I wasnt sure if you could handle the blood. I had my nose and lip fixed from a life long cleft lip and palate.

PSYCHO...

2004-12-17T03:42:00.000-05:00

I'm back. Finals are over, college is over for that matter. Thank God.
I'm glad i got outta there because I had a stalker for about two weeks. "Stalker!", you say. "Yea, stalker" I reply.

Like a month ago, my mom picked me up from campus (I let her do that sometimes, it makes her feel like she's needed) and she didn't see me. Being cheap, she refuses to get a cell phont till they cost 3.99 a month for an infinity minutes plan, so she borrowed somebody's cell phone. She called me really quick and got off..... No big deal right?

Wrong! Two weeks later some guy instant messages my phone, asking me if i'm Keisha and do i goto Brooklyn College, I thought it was someone I knew messin with me so i asked him who he
was. He stopped IM'ing me till the next couple days when he saw me online and started up again talking about how he wants to meet me calling me "sexy" and other "sexy" things you want freaky strangers to tell you. I asked him how he knew my name and he said he met my friend and let her borrow his phone and he just kept the number and remembered my name.
AIN'THAT SOME SHIT?!?!
He had the nerve to tell me some shit like that and still talk to me. And you know what he did next?

He called me. Remember, up till now he's been IM'ing my phone and online, now this guy CALLS me.

He gives me some sorry ass story about how he never did this before and he just wants to meet someone on campus and that he will be on campus monday, can we meet? I was so freaked out I said "I gotta go, bye".

Monday came and went and he sees me online and IM's me. I told him he shouldn't call people that never gave him their number, that shit it creepy. He got insulted and called me an "easy scare and shy" and that "you're not outgoing, I just want to meet a girl like me." Then he signed off. I was pissed and I didn't even get to write back and say how sick he was...
So I did the next best thing, I I'med his cell phone. That piece of shit harrassed me, now i'll harass him. But first I asked around about him and found out he's a Magilla Gorilla sophomore mofo that is 20 but looks like 35 years old and that he steals girls numbers from their cell phones when they aren't looking.

Anyway this is what I wrote to his cell phone:
"You tried to act like u never contacted someone anonymously before, but i asked about you. and my instinct was right. Mad people know you from SUBO, stealing girls phone numbers and trying to call them. I'm not shy or an easy scare. I pegged you as a freak and I was right. You lucky if I dont report you to security or something. I try to tell you what you were doing was weird, and you tried to insult me. Even the most freaky outgoing girl wouldn't meet you like that. And if they did, they stupid cuz if you were just alil more crazy you would probably be a serial killer.You have a long life to live and it's gonna be longer if you dont learn to socialize properly."

I should have called him a piece of shit at the end but I forgot. Anyway, I haven't heard from him since...

Anyway, keep your eyes open, I'll be posting my surgical update this weekend, as I am going to have my surgery tomorrow.

Who loves ya?

Busy as a....

2004-12-12T19:30:00.000-05:00

...maggot in a dead body

Sorry I haven't been able to write regularly as possible but I'm not like those bloggers who have nothing better to do than tell you what color their sister's friends mom new hair color is, or what weird trick their pet does like lick their owners balls.

Anyway, it's that time of the year. Finals, and I'm caught up in it. You'll be hearing more of me in the coming days. Especially with another surgery coming up. If you've been following, you all know how weird I get after I have surgery.

Who loves ya?

Me and Snoop...

2004-12-08T15:28:00.000-05:00

I been busy since Snookie (my bf, if you don't already know). Finals and projects due in the next week, but in the midst of it all. I took some time off and called my ol' buddy Snoop Dogg and asked him how I could get my pimp game back on top. He wasn't very helpful, he was like "Drop it like it's hot, Keish!". I was like "Snoop , Drop what?", and before you know it, the potato I was holding hit the floor. I gave him a stern look and said "there go our French Fries!"
He said "My bizadd kizzish, I'll fly you to Frizzance fo' some Frizz-eyes."

And then I woke up.

Leaving on a jet plane...

2004-12-02T23:57:00.000-05:00

I'm not one of those girls that just blogs all day about what I been feeling, so we're not gonna go there; except to say that my boyfriend (who will furthermore be referred to as SNOOKIE) has just moved to florida in pursuit of a better life in the presence of like 101-year old old people (his parents). They might as well be dead, that's how old they are. That was harsh, wasn't it? Ok, they're like 900 years old combined, which makes my death argument even more fesible.
Anyway, his mom is a border line cleptomaniac, she can clean out a sugar and jelly holder like no other. And his dad is a tattoo artist that thinks he's a barber, and my dumb boyfriend "snookie", let him cut his hair over some weird grown man father/son bonding thing. Now he has to goto the hospital. Would you let a 15,000 year old man cut your hair? I think he deserved getting his ear cut off.

Anyway, Snookie's gone and it was tough yesterday. Blah, blah, blah, feelings, feelings,feelings...

I cried for like 3minutes and then I was extremely hungry.

Higher Education...

2004-11-29T22:15:00.000-05:00

I'm ready to be done with college.

How is it that you pay "x" amount of ga-bazillion dollars to recieve higher education and at the end of the whole thing, it just doesn't seem worth it. After all the fraud of buying textbooks that get upgraded every semester that your professor wrote himself and that he fuckin lectures to you word for word. In all the four-plus years that you end up buying books, transportation, dorms (for you that are a bit more priviledged than us commuters), student loans, it all costs more than the national debt and the wardrobe for the cast of "Sex and The City" combined.

Don't forget the costs to unwind from all that alleged learning: liquor, parties, weed....high speed internet for all that music (and porn) i'm stealing.

I might have neglected to tell you that i'm graduating this semester and I don't feel prepared by the powers that be to enter the workforce.

What a waste.

It's alil drafty in here....

2004-11-24T01:16:00.000-05:00

Are you guys ready for a draft? I sure as hell ain't.
Today a friend asked me if I heard it on the news and I said "No, I don't watch news, I tune it out". Anyway turns out the government (whom from this point on will be referred to as "The Man") is trying to push some bills thru that would make anyone, men and women ages 18-26 years old qualified to be drafted. But then again, I know what you're thinking, "Why should I (this means you) believe a girl that makes up stories about knowing the President?" Don't believe me, read this article on wbai.org (a non-partisan independent news source that isn't owned by any corporations) . http://www.wbai.org/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=1462&Itemid=2
So it turns out that this time around we can't get out of this draft like George Bush got out of the Vietnam War. They're taking women and students. Students are allowed to finish their current semester and seniors can finish out the year. Oh and moving to Canada is out of the question, because "The Man" has arrainged with Canada's "The Man" to send anyone looking to cross the border back home.

That's some f'ed up shit. Here are some things I would do to personally avoid going to war:
1. Stop taking birth control, cause they can't send preganant women to war. But then again, I'd have to take care of those little terrorists known as kids.
2. Get a high and cut off like 3 of my toes, so I can't run. Better make that a whole foot, after all thats how they kept Toby on the Plantation in "Roots".
3. Maybe I would just get high all the time, that way I won't be forced to operate heavy machinery.
4. I would move to Mexico, maybe I could help some of those sweatshop kids make sneakers.
5. (add your reason here).

Damn the 52% percent of y'all that voted Bush. Damn.

Don't worry, Be happy...

2004-11-22T01:48:00.000-05:00

If you haven't heard the news yet, I'm out of work.

Don't feel sorry for me, I was thinking about calling up my good buddy George Bush, who atleast 48% of America wouldn't mind feeding to carnivorous baby seals. Anyway, I was thinking about asking Georgy for a job since Colin Powell is leaving and all, me and Condelizza can kick it. She can show me where to get the ill perm in Washington all the while tutoring me on foreign affairs. I would just say, "Hey girl, tell them Iraqi's not to make me come over there with my shoe!" and we would have a good laugh. Later on I would cornrow her hair at the white house while teaching the first lady ebonics. And on the weekends I would go clubbin with the twins, Jenna and Barbara and I could get them drunk and let them show their boobies to the "Girls gone Wild" guy...

Soon as I get a phonecard I'm gonna holla at my nizzle George W.

Random Rave

2004-11-21T02:19:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all I'm officially depressed. Alf has been resurected from the bowels of television hell. Am I the only person who thought that was a waste of good tv? Another waste of tv is the Tony Danza show, actually maybe ALF should replace him. Oh, and how sad is it that Ed Mcman is ALF's co host? Poor old guy, he's second place to a fuckin puppet. I'm not gonna lie, I'd be second place to a mucus filled christmas stocking if they paid me enough.

On another note, why since i got satellite can't i make my VCR work? I swear it's a conspiracy to make me come home to watch "The Apprentice", "ER", "Twilight Zone","Quantum Leap", "Real World", "Starting Over",all the different Law and Order Shows, as well as the different CSI shows, Sesame street, The Simpsons, The News in general...etc. That's alot of tv to not be taping.

SHIMMY, SHIMMY Y'ALL!

2004-11-14T22:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Ol' Dirty Bastard,

It's fucked up how the news is taking every chance even in yor death to disparage your image. We all know you been to prison but why they gotta show you in cuffs on every channel when they announced your death? So, you escaped from rehab? That's what we expect a nigga that names himself "Big Baby Jesus" to do. But why does it have to implied that you died because of your drug problems? And if you did die because of drugs, that' nobody's business but yours. Instead you got these cheap scrolling captions on the bottom of the TV. If you were seeing that from wherever you are now, I bet you want to pop a cap in the media's ass. People loved your crazy ass from all over the world, why can't they show that?

Rest in Peace.

Pass the cocktail sauce please...

2004-11-13T13:49:00.000-05:00

I was on the bus the other day and from the window, I saw a 99 cents store. No big deal, they're everywhere. But this one had a sign in the window that said: "Jamaican Pepper Shrimp $3.00". First of all, why doesn't the Shrimp cost 99 cents? And what the hell is a delectable crustacian like shrimp doing at a 99 cents store?!

This will hurt alil...

2004-11-03T23:54:00.000-05:00

Does it ever physically hurt your brain to be around someone but you keep them around because you're one of those people that collects friends and cant fathom people not liking you? I'm obviously not talking about myself because EVERYONE does like me.

But every now and then there's someone I want to stab with chopsticks through each eye, while they're talking so I can hear the pain they are expressing. And then I want to interrupt their screaming by asking to them to pass the butter, so that I can butter a piece of toast and smack them with it. I know the buttered toast might be overkill, but trust me, I have felt so relieved after a good buttered toast smackdown. Try it, lemme know how it goes.

I would like to nominate a few people for the "Buttered toast Smackdown", and they are:

1. The guy at the deli counter that gave me attitude yesterday, the turkey smelled funny asshole.
2. All of the midwest that put Bush back in office, I guess they want a President who can't spell like them.
3. Whoever hasn't sent my scholarship money yet...If you didn't spend it on your Atlantic City crack whore, mail it dammit!
4. I wanna add jelly to this smackdown: Freeloaders, especially the ones that act like they don't know they're doing it. Pay your way or go home.
5. Those annoying ass kids that get on the train after school with no home training acting like the pieces of shit they really are. It just be easier to shank them ala HBO's "Oz".
6. There's a special place in my heart for ex'es, maybe we should shank them too.

Please feel free to add to the Buttered Toast Smackdown list. We can find these people together and change the world.
6. There's a special place in my heart for ex'es, maybe we should shank them too.

Please feel free to add to the Buttered Toast Smackdown list. We can find these people together and change the world.

My most sincere apologies...

2004-11-01T22:54:00.000-05:00

My poor minions. You have suffered a whole week without my cleaver stories and quotes to carry you though the day.

I shall let you suffer more.

I'm just kidding.

I had a long week....
1. Busy cheating, only to fail midterms.
2. Donating sex to my boyfriend, only to find out he wan't leaving forever anymore...Atleast i can go back to witholding again.
3. It was my mom's birthday, I gave her a very emotionally taxing high-five.
4. There was this funeral I didn't goto because I was busy doing #2.

You might think the list was short but all the stuff really,really, really, really, really, kind of important.

My bad.

Just a thought...

2004-10-26T01:17:00.000-04:00

Ever since 9-11, I can't tell the New York City skyline from the Canadian border.

Am I the only one with this problem?

SPED KID...

2004-10-22T04:00:00.000-04:00

You ever have that "special ed" kid in your class thats always asking other students how to do stuff that they can't ask the teacher because the kid doesn't want the teacher to know that they don't know have a clue? This kid usually has a blank stare with carefully timed intervals of nodding to feign understanding the subject. The kid only answers the most obvious questions so they can get a few participation points. And the rest of the time you catch this kid half sleeping in class?

I'm that kid.

SAKE, now that's some good shit...

2004-10-18T01:22:00.000-04:00

It was a damn good weekend. I went our with some friends, one male one female (trust me this will matter later). We hit a club where we started the drinkin right away and we had the ill discount. So it was like stealing, which made it better. My guy friend had me the "toothless fairy" on arm and my homegirl on the other. Instantly putting the other men in the club at attention. He was mackin! He sucked face with my friend and danced with me, WHO else can do that but someone I know! None of you bitches, that's for sure. Aight, let me chill, He wasn't the onLy one mackin though. YOUR's Truly had her pimp game down to an art. This sexy bastard right here was putting away free drinks like it was none of my business...

Next, my friends and I hit the Japanese food spot. My homeboy and I quickly chose some prime sake and continued the task of getting "shitfaced" drunk. I'm not sure but we probably disrespected some Japanese people talking whatever loud shit we were talking. I noticed my boy and my homegirl gettin real cozy, trying to be cute, lying to each other, making out. I'm like cool, "More food for me!". We finish up, pay the bill and decide to have another beer at her hotel room.
This is where my judgement got clouded.

We all get to her place, I'm drinking, we all chatting, they all dry humping. I'm still cool, I just sit there. Every minute that passed was like falling deeper and deeper into a porno. I went to the bathroom to watch the walls spin and these whores are under the covers. At this point I'm like "Fuck it, take your clothes off, you gonna be hot under there with 'em on". So I try to ignore them but the soberness starts to set in and I steal some pillows and a blanket and exile myself to the hallway.

But it got weird, they started makin nasty and I was intrigued and freaked out like when you catch your parents. The bed was all like creakin and squeakin and like 30 seconds later (i'm not sure if you went for more rounds homeboy but that first round was quick), there was a lull in the action and I took the chance to get the fuck outta there faster than a soldier held hostage in Iraq.

Had they invited me along for the "ride", this would be a different post...

Chew on This....

2004-10-15T01:33:00.000-04:00

My dog's name is Meatloaf.
Meatloaf was f-ing his girlfriend, a stuffed frog on the couch.
My mom was convinced that meatloaf would hurt himself because all he wanted to do was fuck the frog all night, so she took it away. She said his dick was getting hard and red and it might be painful.

I was thinking, you have three kids shouldn't you know the principles of dog sex? To me it's pretty much the same as people sex.

If it hurt so much he wouldn't fuck the stuffing out of the frog. And when my boyfriend gets hard and red, he wouldn't try to fuck the stuffing outta me.

No, I don't have a headache...

2004-10-12T01:06:00.000-04:00

You ever forget to have sex with your boyfriend and remember when you get your period? And he wants to "do it" and your like: "Hey buddy, not fresh." But you let him get the cookie, just cause when he turns on the light you can see the John Bobbit look on his face while you wipe the knife off on the pillowcase.

My Lucky Day....

2004-10-08T19:47:00.001-04:00

So I got lazy? Missed a day. Didn't write that much the day before. So What??!?!

Now that, that's out of the way I shall commence.

I went for my post-op visit today and I got that pasty packing off of my teeth and gums (you might have to scrutinize the pic from the other post) and lo and behold, I had like one tooth left on the right side. "What the hell is that about?", you say. I'm glad you asked... The doctors so nonchalantly explained that my tooth fell out because it was weak in that area. NICE. Nice of them to tell me afterwards that I would look like a hillbilly freak without a dental plan. Half of which is true, I am a hillybilly freak.

They say that a woman knows in the first 10 minutes of a date whether or not she'll keep seeing a guy. That's true. The question is: If you don't like him do you continue dating and letting him pay or do you stop seeing him?
I like to keep it simple, If I know I'm gonna blow him, I'll let him pay, If I don't like him, I'll let him pay.

Do you want to see a pic of my one tooth? Or perhaps you have a problem with me blowing strangers that buy me McDonalds? Leave a comment.

Zzzzzzzz's

2004-10-07T01:51:00.000-04:00

I was in bed this morning, maybe it was this afternoon.

I think I was in a coma.

Did I Flush?

2004-10-05T23:31:00.000-04:00

Today was the first day back to school for me, everyone said i shouldn't have gone but Texas Justice and The Montell Williams Show just wasn't cutting it. So after heavily self medicating myself, I went to school. Honestly, I kept having nightmares that if I didn't go to this one particular class I would be whipped about the rear end by textbooks. Not whipped about the rear end by magazines like I usually enjoy. Anyway, I took my grandfather's cane...I mean my "sympathy stick" to class with me hoping for a couple extra points on the quiz we had today. Disregard the fact that I might need it, I'm totally superficial. Oh, If you're wondering why I "borrowed" my grandafther's cane, I figured "hey, he's dead, so it's pretty much up for grabs."

Another thing that I felt like sharing was the reappearance of my bowel movement. I know, i know "CONGRATULATIONS!" But really, after a couple days on a liquid/soft diet you start to realize that the amount of poo made directly corrolates to the amount of solid food one eats. And when a cool girl like me finally drops a load down the porcelain throne after a couple days, one tends to be excited kinda like your period after a pregnancy scare. So.........CONGRATULATE ME! (u can leave your best wishes in the comment section of this blog, they are greatly appreciated)

On a more serious note, every poo is like a newborn child, it's ugly but you wanna cuddle it anyway, don't let those moments goto waste. Thank you.

Mo' Meds

2004-10-05T01:35:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I met someone new, his name is Darvoset. He's small thick and bright orange, much like the penis of an "Ompaloompa" from Willy Wonka, and much like a penis, he is a temporary source of comfort. HE IS A PAINKILLER. And I love him for that, all the "mom baths" in the world cannot measure up to the floating, brain being infiltrated by colorful entities. It was later I realized that the colorful entities were a result of falling asleep with the Cartoon Network on.

But that's where the honeymoon ends, one of the side effects is that all I do is drool. I'm not talking that cute baby gurgle type drool. I'm talking zombified patient in a mental hospital and no napkin nearby drool. For my haitian compatriots, you know it's bad when you have a bucket by the bed like your grandma. You know your grandma has a bucket, don't lie! (And she doesn't just spit in it either).

So as I write this, I fall in and out of a phallic inspired sleep filled with saliva buckets and very scary mornings waking to the Powder Puff Girls..........I bid you adieu

2004-10-03T23:17:00.000-04:00

I was more swollen two days ago, but I didnt want to scare anyone. Oh that pasty shit in my mouth is something for the healing, that's another story....

So I just got my face cut open..............

2004-10-03T16:54:00.000-04:00

This is my first blog, so it's only right that we talk about my surgery this past Thursday....

I went to the hospital to have my bone graft done, they took the bone from my hip and put it into my face. I should have known that this would take more than a weekend to heal, but I believed the doctors when they said I would be able to take on the war in Iraq by Monday.

Unfortunately, I had to call President Bush and tell him I couldn't make it because my face is swollen like when Ike beat Tina. The President said they would get along without me, since they already have a token black female on their team, Condelezza Rice. So I was like "cool", I'll get back to drinking my food since I'm on a soft diet and letting my mom bathe me for the first time since I was maybe 4, or 16...something like that.

You're probably wondering why my mom is bathing me at the age of 23, she say's it because I might fall in the tub, cause of my hip. I say it's because she really wants to have a closer mother-daughter relationship, if you know what I mean... I can't blame her though, i'm pretty hot.

Should I post a pic of what I look like post surgical? you make the call